this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
