So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
