My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Randomize
