she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Randomize
