my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
