I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
I showed him my bush... on skype.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Randomize
