My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
