Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
