I want to make a zoo with you.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
