Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
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