i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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