so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
