Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
i may or may not be watching the land before time
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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