Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
