Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
You made out with two different species that night
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Randomize
