when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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