he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
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