too bad you live with your parents still
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Randomize
