I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
this just has baby written all over it
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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