when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!�
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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