I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
