apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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