I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
