I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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