Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
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