haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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