My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
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