wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
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