I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Watching her eat just hurts me
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
