my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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