She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
