"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
two words: eviction party
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
