M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Randomize
