my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Randomize
