is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
