i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
