halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
