the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
