My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
