I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
