Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
