Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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