u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
These tits shall not be calmed
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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