Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
