So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
