how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
