This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Success! We fucked roommates!
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
