Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Fuck appropriateness.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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