need another drink. this is the easiest way
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
