Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
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