I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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