I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Just high enough for therapy.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
