There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
